Jokes in English

Boy: Excuse me.
Girl: Jee Kahiye.
Boy: Mere hone wale bachcho ki taraf se
aapko Happy Mother’s DAY….

I told my father that I want a blackberry or an apple.
He replied: Aam ka season hai beta aam kha.

Santa: Why are you heating the knife?
Banta: To do suicide.
Santa: But why are you heating it?
Banta: To prevent infection.

Museum Watchman: That’s a 500 year old statue you have broken.
Funny Sharma: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

Funny video clips

Teacher: Tumhare papa 500 rupees loan lete hain aur10% interest ke hisab se vo 1 saal bad loan vapis karte hain. Batao kitne paise vapis karenge?
Bania’s son: Kuchh bhi nahi.
Teacher: Tum maths nahi jante?
Bania’s son: Me to maths janta hu, par aap mere papa ko nahi jante.

Paagal 1: main Taj Mahal ko khrid lunga
Paagal 2: main use abhi bech nahi rahaa hu.

Boy: kal main tumhare ghar gaya tha, lagta hai hamari shaadi nahi hogi.
girl: kyu? pappa se mile the kya?
Boy: nahi, tumhare behan se milaa tha.

Examiner Sanju se: ye kya hai? tumne khaali paper kyu diya hai?
Sanju : safai ke liye 5 marks hai isliye.

Sanju: Raju, dekho yeh murde kitne aaraam se apni kabron mein sote hain.

Sare murde uth khad hue aur bole: Kyon na soye, yeh jagah apni jaan de ke hasil ki hai.

Girl: Do you know, married men live longer than single man do?
Boy: Do you know married men are a lot more willing to die?

First friend: Dear, i love lipsticks, they are very tasty.
Next Day..
Second friend: You are liar, i bought 10 lipsticks and ate them.

Ek bhakt ashram me ja ke swami ji se bola: Swami ji, mera Puja e mann nai lagta,
kya karu?
Swami Ji: Us Puja ko mere pas bhej do, shayad mera man lag jaye.

Ravan ne Ram Ji se mafi mangne ka faisla kiya aur Ayodhya aaya.
Door knock kiya.
Ram Ji ne door khola.
Ravan Stands Thinking
Guess What?
Kis Mooh Se Maafi Maangu?

Ek pakistani sadak pe red light jump karta hai.
Police officer: Kya tum ko red light nazar nahi aayi.
Pakistani: Red light to nazar aai thi, par aap nazar nahi aaye.

Mere Dost Tum Bhi Likha Karo Shayari

Tumhara Bhi Meri Tarah Naam Ho Jayega

Jab Tum Par Bhi Padenge Ande Aur Tamatar

To Shaam Ki Sabji Ka Intajaam Ho Jayega.

Door se dekha toh ek sher tha …

Door se dekha toh ek sher tha …

Door se dekha toh ek sher tha …

isliye paas hi nahigaya.

Jab bhi hota hain deedar,

dil dhadakta hai baar baar,

par ye sochkar kahte hain,

ki kab chukaaoge mera uddhaar..

Humne bhi kabhi pyar kiya tha,

thoda nai beshumar kiya tha,

dil tut kar rehgaya,

jab usne kaha, maineto Majak kiya tha.

Manzil ki taraf badhte raho,

jo dil kahe usi rah ko chuno,

peeche walon ko age na jaane do

aur jo aage hai unse aage niklo,

tabhi 1 acche Truck Driver banoge.

A Sardar Doctor and Pundit loved same girl.

Pundit started giving an apple to the girl everyday.

Sardar Doctor asked: WHY ??

Pundit: because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Titanic was sinking.

Boy: How much the earth is far from here?

Girl: 1 kilo meter.

Boy jumped into the sea and asked again: “…In which direction?”

girl: Downwards.

Sanju has to sell his dog. Raju wants to buy it.

Raju: Is this dog faithful ?

Sanju: Yes, I have sold it 3 times earlier also. It is so faithful, everytime it returned back to me.

Girlfriend to Boyfriend: Now it is time we should marry.

Boyfriend: That’s ok, but who will marry with us.

A man: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing clothes.

2^nd man: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.

Museum Watchman: That’s a 500 year old statue you have broken.

Sharma: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

Sharma ji: Why have you increased speed of car?

Varma ji: Break has failed. We should reach home before accident.